Comments on: Beginning of a story I just started to write. I would love peoples honest oppinions so I can fix it?

By: Seith

Seith — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:38:25 +0000

It’s got the spirit but the body is a little awkward.

- A couple of typos, misspellings, and grammar flaws. Run it through a spell-checker and read it through a couple of times to polish a piece. Some syntax, like extra commas and missing semicolons.

- Some context? When I read about her getting dressed, I sort of became confused as to if she was cleaning the house ***** or something odd like that. I didn’t realize she was a woman until the bartender called her by name. I thought of bruises when I heard her describing ‘dark circles’ around her eyes.

- Tense issues. Sometimes it’s done, sometimes it’s have done, sometimes it’s will do. Unless the narrator thinks like that, I’d choose one (done) and stick to it.

By: A. Thorne

A. Thorne — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 19:03:09 +0000

A story should start with one or more of the following elements:
1) Compelling action or dialogue (or both) that sets up a question(s) in the reader’s mind that may not be answered for several chapters.
2) Set a ticking clock in motion where a short term goal must be reached or dire consequences will happen.
3) Foreshadow dire events for the POV character.
4) Clearly state the POV character’s story goal so we can root for them to succeed.

Right now you have a blow by blow information dump that doesn’t include any of those elements so it really doesn’t make me want to read on. There is nothing compelling about cleaning a house and going to a bar.