Alice Parker walked down the narrow hall of her old house looking for something to do. The windows were flawless, she just vacuumed, and there was no dust. Frustrated she turned around and strode back to the sparkling living room she had already sanitized. While looking around she sat on the fluffy tan couch. The large TV was dusted, the wooden floor mopped, the sliding glass doors spotless. She stood up and walked to the kitchen on the right. Nothing to cleanse here either.

Could become;

The old house creaked with weathered age, it’s untouched beauty haunting yet delicate. Making her way through the peaceful quiet, Alice Parker scanned left and right, desperate for something to break the monotony, yet nothing came of it. The windows pristine windows mocked her and the layer of dust was now nonexistent. Glacing at the vacuum a few feet away she knew there was no point in vacuuming again. Nevertheless, a crinkle appeared in her usually soft forhead, her lips pursing somewhat. Turning sharply, Alice strode back to the living room she had left only moments ago. There was no change. It was still sanatised. Glistening. Perfect. The light tan couch beckoned her weary body. Collapsing in it, her eyes flicked around the room, once more. No dust graced the large TV. The wooden floorboards still glistened from where it was mopped. The elegent glass door was so clear, it looked almost non-existent. Scowling now, she rose and strode to the kitchen through a door on the right. Upon arriving she realised with a pang, nothing to cleanse here either.

Yeah, it makes the story longer but it is more compelling to the audience.
Again, you are a great writer, please continue with this story!!!
Good luck.

While i do believe that your writing is at a mature level, there are a few things that i wanted to point out.

I think the first two paragraphs are unnecessary. They didn’t grab me into the story. You mentioned the character’s name in the first sentence and her description in the fourth paragraph so it doesn’t leave us wondering which would have been a good idea. A character looking in the mirror and describing themselves is used so often and it becomes tiresome. I, myself have done this and plan to change it. You want us to find little bits about the character as we progress through the first few chapters. Its what makes a great story compared to a good one.

I’ve noticed you describe things in too muchg detail. For eg “She neatly got out of the car and looked around.” and “She slowly walked up to the front door.” These are things that make the story weak, in my opinion. We know that people get out of the car and walk to the front dooe. In fact, the whole trip to the bar could have been taken out and the story could have started at the bar.

I think your dialogue is well written. Just little things like “I think it was Darcie Gray…but I am not sure”- people don’t usually talk like that, so you could have changed it to “…but I’m not sure”- it does make a difference to the flow of the story.

So yeah. The tips would be:
- have an attention grabbing beginning
- introduce info about the character’s appearance and personality slowly-keep the reader wondering and guessing, but not for too long.
- delete unnecessary information

I hope this helps. I wan’t truying to be harsh, just honest. Good luck.

i would also have to say that you should not post this on here. people look for ideas all the time. you could write a good novel and you need to protect your intelectual property.
your writing is much better than alot of the stuff on here.

just make sure you check you stay consistent with your narrative. i think the above mentioned it.
a good editor will help correct you anyway. just make sure you can write a whole story at the same calibre from start to finish.

It would be easier to mark it like a draft hahaha, so I will just give you a few heads up, below:
Check your punctuation and some spelling.
At one point, you said something as if the story was written from Alice’s point of view. which i guess it is, but it is not like ‘I did this, I said that’ do you know what I mean?
There was something else but I forgot haha.

I think the best thing that you can do is print it out or send it to some of your friends and get them to give you feedback, because they can tell you specific things that you should change and so forth.

I really do like this though I’d love to read the rest of this!

Hope this helped (: