However, your piece has some mechanical problems that you should work harder to avoid because they detract from a good story. Some words are wrong (there instead of their) a capital was missing, (grace), etc.. … and like I couldn’t breathe, … dump the “like” … It’s a curse in conversation, just as bad in writing unless done on purpose to characterize an airhead teen.

Macgregor State High School, struck me as the name of an institution where juvenile delinquents are incarcerated rather than a normal high school, and was also misspelled besides. These are very easily avoided by having someone else read your material, These problems would jump out to a set of fresh eyes. We authors are very poor proof readers of our own material. Your material is too good to let distractions like these get in the way.

I don’t know what program you use when writing, but MS Word, with its grammar checker turned on, in conjunction with its spell checker, would help identify these sort of problems,

You’ve got a nice hook in the story. Readers will definitely want to find out more. Keep the grammar mistakes and misspellings out and I think you will do very well.You’re very lucky because it’s so correctable.. A good many authors wish that that were the extent of their problems.