Old Time Radio Rotating Header Image

I am scared to fall in love again, what should i do?

If you take the time to read this,

up to this point in my life I have fallen deeply into love several times. And each time I have fallen head over heals for someone , I have always gotten myself heart broken. The first couple of times that i actually was able to establish a decent relationship with someone , I was ignored and lied to, I was used for *** in the worst way, rumors were spread about me that soon friends and family heard of , and to top it off after having every shread of dignity torn from me and left in shame ,I was called vulgarities and treated like a *****. Because of all this hurt I was eventually sent to the hospital due to an anxiety attack. All I ever wanted was to be loved back by somebody,but somehow in the tangled wires of life I was given just the opposite of that.

It has been about nine months since I have been intimately close with anybody , and it is strange how when your heart aches several times it hemorages and becomes like a stone that is less effected by the warm rays of what love has to offer.
.I have learned to enjoy my own company, although I must admit that sometimes I suffer from great ambivilence and lonlieness because I long for the warm touch of someone else’s arms around me, or the simple holding of someone else’s hand. In spite of these feelings that occur rarely, I usually am in control of myself and have somehow stumbled upon solace and small patchworks of happiness.

In one more month I will be moving to another location , and someone there desires a relationship with me, but I seem to be scared of falling in love again.

This person is very kind and understanding, but doubts fill my mind that he could perhaps be the very opposite of that. He could be a repetition of the drama I have already lived through, simply waiting to tear me apart limb to limb.Like the branches of a tree swaying back and forth by gusts of wind , I am left in dilema.

Six months can truly change a person. After these six months of getting myself back together I don’t know if I am ready to be knocked back down again. For the first time in years I can finally dance to the radio in my room , for the first time in years I can actually read a book sufficiently without the echos of my past tormenting my mind, for the first time in years I finally feel as if I have been freed from the metaphorical chains that held me down for what seemed like an eternity.

I want love in my life, but I am beginning to believe that after receiving anything but what I most desire, that perhaps I am simply not destined to have it.

I also fear myself . I am scared that if I choose to react somehow and voice my opinion I might stumble over my own shoelaces and ruin everything for myself. In my past relationships, if I ever asked them of anything or got emotional because I was ignored I was tossed to the side and ignored even further, or lied to for the sake of shutting me up.

I fear myself also because of my jealousy and imperfection. To tell you the truth , I have a slight envy towards this person that wants a relationship with me. Allow me to explain myself…
for my entire life I never had a father, he died before I was born . My mother was usually at work or searching for another soul mate , and whenever I tried to speak with her for guidence or care I was either ignored or yelled at. My family left me when I was 5 years old and I hardly get to speak with them , and I never was able to make many friends at school because I did not know the proper skills for the art of communication. Having lived a quiet , lonely life I envy people who got to have two parents that care for them dearly and support them through their trials. I have always envied friends from school who have families who love them and aquiantences who appreciate them for all of who they are. I envy people who got to grow up with all of that , because i have had to learn how to live my entire life without it .

I fear that this jealousy , and that this void inside of me might ruin everything for me. Perhaps even every human connection I ever have. I find myself to be like a statue doomed to be forever a frozen relic , cold and isolated.

there are several other facts i could confess but I only have 16 minutes of time remaining.

I am scared to fall in love again
and I do not know what to do

the past men were nothing like this one. Perhaps it may be different, he has actual goals for himself while the others had no motivations for life at all.

I simply do not know

all I wish is that i knew the answer

if wether or not , this is truly a chance worth taking

even if it leaves me heartbroken in the end

Thank you

Asked by:lembeeno

One Comment

  1. Kat says:

    I think that you should take a chance. After all you sound like you have been to hell and back, so surely nothing can get much worse. Hopefully things can only get better. You say that you are just about happy being single, but it sounds like you need someone in your life.
    Just take it slowly.
    I understand about you envying people who had a normal loving upbringing. But try not to hold it against him and be glad that his solid loving background makes him a great guy. Maybe if things go well you will be part of that family one day.

Leave a Reply to Kat